Well if that's what you want kan.

So how am i coping in this new ward?
Okay i guess.
Still learning to adapt and giving up hope that I will be going back to the other ward.
Well I mean it's only next door kan?
How hard can it get. Right?
I do miss my sikus and all.
But I'm sure we'll meet up. :)

I was looking through pictures and all the other day.
I miss my family.
A group of people who i can always turn to.
Who I find annoying and so kecoh and i took it fro granted at times.
I miss them now. :(
So outta place.
Is this how a grown up feels exactly?

I'm planing for DEGREE right now.
I do hope GM will tell me the details. :s

met sister just now.
Heard the most devastating news ever.
I know things happen for a reason.
But sometimes I wonder why me?
I'm trying so hard to be positive right now.
But I break down everytime I think about you guys motivating me to go to work.
About the after work "party" we'll have.
it's just so sad.
I know clearly i have a choice.
But the way she put it..
I mean it's like i know and understand how hard it is for them to find people.
I'm not being nice because they are my NOs.
But rather. i don't know.
I always believe there are reasons why it's my name and not others.
too devastating to talk about. :(
But i really hope the 10 months worth of friendship does not and will never end. :'(
Anyway i'm only gonna be next door.
how bad can it be right? :'(

Doing some cat sitting over at cik mar's!
Shall use this time to think and stone.
Deep thinking!
Clear the brains. :)

This is an overdue post.
It was suppose to be like few days back.
OH WELLS!
What can i say. Motorola sucks.
STUPID PHONE!
Anyways here it goes...

Relatives complain and shouted at me.
We can't go around updating the whole world.
FUCKYU!

I really really really really wish ibu is still around.
Yes I'm 21 turning 22.
Yes I'm an adult.
Yes I love my carefree life.
Yes I do look like i'm coping well.
But deep down inside i need a mother's love.
Everyone does. Who doesn't?!
Deep down I still need and want a family.
Deep down inside I want to have someone that i can talk to.
Deep dowm inside i don't want to be the one to have to bring LB up.
Deep down inside I regret whatever and everything I have made a decision to.
Deep down inside I wonder why no one stop me then.
Stop me from doing all those stupid shit I have done.
I know then that moving out will be the most regretful thing I would have done in my entire life.
Why did I do it?
Why didn't I listen to myself?
Why I didn't think it through thoroughly?
Why no one talk me out of it?
Why do I have to have grow up this way?
Why santher must behave that way?
Why did I ever decide to leave my jalan bahagia house?
Why is this happenning to me?

Told OB re: sunday.
He said okay and told me a sad story.
Told me how LB have not been paying his bike money
How the finance co called him twice and said LB haven pay for 2 months.
I mean they are both my brothers.
and the fact that LB is my real flesh and blood moved me to help him pay.
is that wrong?
If i don't help him who else will?
He told me how lazy LB is.
How he is so tak kuasa with everything.
Told me now he know why santher chased us out.
True. Hurt.
Do you really have to tell me all that?
Indirectly you are saying I don't know how to take care of lb.
what if i said that about your son/sister/brother?
well maybe you won't feel a thing.
coz you're all numb inside?
I don't know.
But come on tell me what can i do?
What should I do?
He's grown up.
The fact that we are only 2 years apart, what makes him wanna listen to me?
We did not force you to take us in though I appreciate your act of kindness. :)
If you hadn't we'll still be living like in the past.
And maybe I won't have so much of frequent headaches every now and then?

Maybe just maybe if ibu had passed on earlier and have not remarry, we could have been send to the orphanage.
Things would be different.
Lesser stress.
Things would be well taken care of.
Right?
I don't know. Beats me.
I do not wany any sympathy. I just needed to let this all out.
Sometimes I just need someone from the group of people whom I refer to as family to ask me how I am doing.
To hang out with me.
To talk with me.
You know I'm a human too. Even badang cries. What more me?
I may appear strong and independent and show signs of tak kuasa.
But deep down in my brain cells many thoughts are running in me.
Running like adrenaline passing tru veins of a collapsed man.
Maybe I should have die right?

Time to move on.
I don't know why i was such a fool.
I gave you too many chances.
I should have end it when you said you wanna end it.
Nooooo! I was stupid then!
Now i regret. I suffer. :'(
I should not have gave you when you asked for it.
Why did i give you?
WHY?!
You were never there.
I can don't text/call you for the whole day and you're ok with it.
I'm always the one who ask you out.
I'm always the one that say those 6 words first.
I'm always the one that sms/call you first.
I did many things for you.
Well coz i thought we were meant for each other.
BOY! Was i naive.
I guess you don't feel the same way huh.
What was i thinking?!
Why was i so foolish so stupid?!
Then if you don't you saying those 6 words meant nothing?
I know i mean it if not i would not say it.
It's true what she said.
Everyone can say it. It's just words.
Whether you gonna come back to me or not,
Return me or not,
Talk to me or not,
Call me or not,
Sms me or not....
I'm very much turn off by you.
By your actions,
Your clingyness
Your asking
Your wanting
Me having to report strength
Me having to entertain you.
Goodbye.

2 weeks ago i was on my way to phuket. :(
I miss phuket. :(

Anyways.
I was walking with lb that day after dinner, walking home.
And we talked alot.
Mostly about the future.
Really glad he kinda know what he wanna do in the future. :)
But i'll wait till he finishes his ns for him to decide. :)
Then we started talking about house.
How we wanna move out from ob house.
Like for how long we gonna stay here kinda thing and bla bla bla.

I feel so turned off by you boy.
Once twice is okay.
But now so often.
So turned off.
I do not want us to be friends coz of the favours you owed me.
But it seems like it.
I shall move on.
It's easier now i guess. :)
Hopefully.

Night was superb.
Working with the senior not that bad.
But it was so tiring.
HAHAHA.
So back aching.
She so funny.
Keep referring to patient as mountains.
HAHA.
And new case punch and slap the dr. (Y)
That's the way auntie! HAHA. :D
And she went on the net searching for fried rice recipe.
SERIOUSLY?!
HAHA. So funny la sheeee.

Well apart from the happiness...
Sista have been very mean and her favouritism lebih terserlah.
Sesungguhnya kau nye pasal la.
Aku malas nak layan.

OH! Have i mentioned there are 3 preggers in the ward now.
Fuuuuh!

Don't think too much over petty things ok... be happy always. -Uncle Ben. <3 xoxo

Sometimes i don't know why i bother so much.
I don't know why i bother to go there and ask.
It's like i wanna know so much but you just can't be bothered.
You don't care about us.
You never ask.
You didn't call.
You didn't sms.
Maybe this is what you really want? I don't know.
Maybe. Perhaps.
SIGH.
Did i make a wrong move?
A wrong choice?

I'm grateful that ob willing to take us in.
But lately it's like he's giving us the cold shoulder.
Maybe he's just stress from school and all?
God knows.
I mean if i/we really did something wrong i wanna know.
You know?
I don't understand. SIGH.
We feel so kekok this way.
I wanna go back. :(

Not that i am an expert.
But based on experience!
Tips when travelling.

1) make sure got autoroam! But don't forget to off cellular data! (3G!)
2) if you are leaving after your friends, get all the info before they leave you!
3) where ever you going/staying, bring a towel!
4) bring charger!
5) bring own toiletries! Do not assume. Do not depend!
6) have good walking shoes & slippers!
7) travel light! So can buy more things! (Y)
8) you're going on holiday not fashion parade. No need wear thick make up!
9) don't make others wait for you!
10) there are reasons why must check in 2 hours earlier! So GO!
11) have fun!